Laugh. It's good for you.
HILLARY'S DRIVER
Hillary Clinton and her
driver were cruising along a country road
one evening when an ancient cow loomed in front of the car. The driver
tried to avoid it but couldn't - the aged bovine was struck and killed.
Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the
owners what had happened. She stayed in the car making phone calls to
lobbyists.
About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his
clothes in disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in
one hand, a rare, huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling happily,
smeared with lipstick.
"What happened to you," asked Hillary?
"Well," the driver replied, "t he farmer gave me the cigar, his
wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made passionate
love to me."!
"My God, what did you tell them?" asked Hillary.
The driver replied, "I just stepped inside the door and said, I'm
Hillary Clinton's
driver and I've just killed the old cow. The rest happened
so fast I couldn't stop it."
Thanks to Kathy for this one
"France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by prostitutes." --Mark Twain ------------------------------ "I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me." --General George S. Patton ------------------------------ "Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion." --General Norman Schwartzkopf ------------------------------ "We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it." --Marge Simpson ------------------------------ "As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure." --Jacques Chirac, President of France "As far as France is concerned, you're right." --Rush Limbaugh ------------------------------ "The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee." --Regis Philbin ------------------------------ "You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the 1940s who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn't have the face for it." --John McCain , U.S. Senator from Arizona ------------------------------ "The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching into Paris under a German flag." --David Letterman ------------------------------ "Only thing worse than a Frenchman is a Frenchman who lives in Canada." --Ted Nugent ------------------------------ "War without France would be like World War II." --Unknown ------------------------------ "The favorite bumper sticker in Washington D.C. right now is one that says First Iraq, then France.'" --Tom Brokaw ------------------------------ "What do you expect from a culture and a nation that exerted more of its national will fighting against Disney World and Big Macs than the Nazis?" --Dennis Miller ------------------------------ "It is important to remember that the French have always been there when they needed us." --Alan Kent ----------------------------- "They've taken their own precautions against al-Qa'ida. To prepare for an attack, each Frenchman is urged to keep duct tape, a white flag, and a three-day supply of mistresses in the house." --Argus Hamilton ------------------------------ "Somebody was telling me about the French Army rifle that was being advertised on eBay the other day --the description was, 'Never shot. Dropped once.'" --Rep. Roy Blunt, MO ----------------------------- "The French will only agree to go to war when we've proven we've found truffles in Iraq " --Dennis Miller ------------------------------ Q. What did the mayor of Paris say to the German Army as they entered the city in WWII? A. Table for 100,000 m'sieur? ----------------------------- "Do you know how many Frenchmen it takes to defend Paris? It's not known, it s never been tried." --Rep. R. Blount, MO ------------------------------ "Do you know it only took Germany three days to conquer France in WWII? And that's because it was raining." --John Xereas, Manager, DC Improv ------------------------------ The AP and UPI reported that the French Government announced after the London bombings that it has raised its terror alert level from Run to Hide. The only two higher levels in France are Surrender and Collaborate. The rise in the alert level was precipitated by a recent fire which destroyed France s white flag factory, effectively disabling their military. ------------------------------ French Ban Fireworks at Euro Disney (AP), Paris, March 5, 2003 The French Government announced today that it is imposing a ban on the use of fireworks at Euro Disney. The decision comes the day after a nightly fireworks display at the park, located just 30 miles outside of Paris, caused the soldiers at a nearby French Army garrison to surrender to a group of Czech tourists.
from steve
The Ant and the Grasshopper
OLD VERSION:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his
house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the
summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The
grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.
MORAL OF THE STORY: Be responsible for yourself!
MODERN VERSION:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building
his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks
he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to
know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold
and starving.
CBS, NBC, PBS, CNN, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering
grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table
filled with
food.
America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be, that in a country of
such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?
Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when
they sing, "It's Not Easy Being Green".
Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the news
stations film the group singing, "We shall overcome." Jesse then has the group
kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper's sake.
Nancy Pelosi & John Kerry exclaim in an interview with Larry King that the
ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an
immediate
tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share."
Finally, the EEOC drafts the "Economic Equity and Anti-Grasshopper Act,"
retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire
a
proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his
retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.
Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit
against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges that
Bill appointed and a jury of single-parent welfare recipients.
The ant loses the case.
The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's
food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old
house, crumbles around him because he doesn't maintain it. The ant has
disappeared in the snow. The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related
incident and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who
terrorize the once peaceful
neighborhood.
MORAL OF THE STORY: Vote Conservative Republican
from mrmeangenes
A young man was walking the streets of Paris. Suddenly he saw a Rottweiler attacking a young girl. He jumped on the dog, struggled with him and strangled it. Both he and the girl escaped with minor scratches.
from Sergio
Finally...a
Real Man's Chain Letter
This chain letter was started in hopes of bringing
relief to other tired and discouraged men. Unlike most chain letters, this one
doesn't cost anything!
Just send a copy of this letter to five of your male friends who are equally
tired and discontent.
Then bundle up your wife and/or girlfriend and send her to the man whose name
appears at the top of the following list, and add your name to the bottom of the
list.
When your turn comes, you will receive 15,625 women.
At the writing of this letter, a friend of mine had already received 184 women,
of whom four were worth keeping.
This chain also brings good luck.
One man's pit bull died, and the next day he received a Playboy playmate.
An unmarried Jewish man living with his widowed mother was able to choose
between a Hooter's waitress and a Hollywood super model.
You can be lucky too, but DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN! THIS WILL BRING YOU BAD LUCK!
One man broke the chain and got his wife back again.
Let's keep it going, men! Just add your name to the list below:
Bill Clinton
780 3rd Ave New York , NY 10017
Billy Clinton
780 3rd Ave. New York , NY 10017
Billie Clinton
780 3rd Ave. New York , NY 10017
B. Clinton
780 3rd Ave. New York , NY 10017
William Jefferson Clinton
780 3rd Ave. New York , NY 10017
W. Jefferson Clinton
780 3rd Ave. New York , NY 10017
W. Jeff Clinton
780 3rd Ave. New York , NY 10017
W. J. Clinton
780 3rd Ave. New York , NY 10017
W. Clinton
780 3rd Ave. New York , NY 10017
William J Clinton
780 3rd Ave. New York , NY 10017
Willem Clinton
780 3rd Ave. New York , NY 10017
Wilhelm Clinton
780 3rd Ave. New York , NY 10017
Willie Clinton
780 3rd Ave. New York , NY 10017
Will Clinton
780 3rd Ave. New York , NY 10017
Mr. Hillary Clinton
780 3rd Ave. New York , NY 10017
from Gene
A fleeing al-Qaeda guerilla,
desperate for water, was plodding through the Iraqi desert when he saw something
far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked toward the object, only
to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling neckties.
The Arab asked, "Do you have water?"
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are
only $5."
The Arab shouted, "Idiot Jew! Israel should not exist! I do not need an
overpriced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first."
"OK," said the old Jew, "it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie
and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you
continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely
restaurant. It has all the water you need. Shalom."
Muttering, the Arab staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he staggered back, near collapse.
"Your brother won't let me in without a tie."
From Sergio
The British have reacted to the recent terrorism alerts by raising their security level from
"Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940, when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been recategorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.Also, the French Government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from
"Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.It's not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of alert.
Italy has increased the alert level from
"Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."The Germans also increased their alert state from
"Disdainful Arrogance" To "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday, as is customary, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
from Sarge
"Grandma's Answer"
Here's a quote from a government employee who witnessed a recent Interaction
between an elderly woman and an antiwar protester in a Metro station in DC:
"There were protesters on the train platform handing out pamphlets on The evils
of America. I politely declined to take one.
"An elderly woman was behind me getting off the escalator and a young (20ish)
female protester offered her a pamphlet, which she politely declined. "The young
protester put her hand on the old woman's shoulder as a gesture of friendship
and in a very soft voice said, 'Lady, don't you care about the children of
Iraq?'
"The old woman looked up at her and said, 'Honey, my father died in France
during World War II, I lost my husband in Korea, and a son in
Vietnam. All three died so you could have the right to stand here and bad mouth
our country. If you touch me again. I'll stick this umbrella up your ass and
open it."
God
Bless
America
from Sgt. Steve
My new answering machine message
Good Morning and Welcome to the United States of America
Press "1" for English
Press "2" to disconnect until you learn to speak English.
from Sarge