Holidays That Offend Me

By

 Barbara J. Stock

This is shaping up to be the decade of the easily offended.  Christmas offends people.  God offends people.  Handel’s “Messiah” bothered someone so this great musical work was banned in extreme cases.  Even the classic “Christmas Carol” was found to be too extreme for some sensitive folks.  Any Christmas songs with the slightest reference to Jesus are taboo and one frustrated high school bandleader was forced to remove instrumental Christmas music because some complained that it reminded them of Jesus and thus, offensive to them. 

I have decided that there are a few holidays that offend me and I want them banned.  If a handful of atheists can get Christmas banned, or more specifically, Christ removed from this holiday, turning it into a “Winter Solstice Festival,” then there must be others out there who think it’s time to rid ourselves of a few more of these “offending” holidays.   

First, let’s start with New Year’s Day.  People go to parties, drink too much and spend the next two days hung over at best or at worst drive drunk and kill someone.  What’s so great about that?  New Year’s Day is just another day.  What’s the big deal?  The depressing “Old Lang Syne” just makes slightly depressed people even more depressed and they put a gun to their heads.  That alone should get the New Year’s holiday wiped from the books. 

Then we have Easter.  Of course, the aforementioned easily offended didn’t have anywhere to go with this one since there is no nativity scene to protest, so they invented the “Easter Bunny.” The Easter Bunny is that wonderful, mythical member of rodent family that colors eggs and hides candy all over the place.  So American kids gobble up chocolate, rot their teeth, become obese, and grow up to be fat adults with health problems that the rest of us have to pay for!  Oh, this one has got to go. 

We actually have two holidays that honor our men and women in uniform--Memorial Day and Veterans Day.  This must just drive the anti-war folks nuts.  Can you imagine how it must pain them to have TWO days out of the year when the people they call baby-killers and war mongers are honored with parades and flags and marching bands.  It must be unbearable for them.  I think out of respect for their feelings we should cancel both of these holidays.  So what if millions of veterans are forgotten? We just can’t have the small group of far left “no war for any reason” people being so offended by the blatant honoring of the military they loathe.   How thoughtless of the men and women who put their lives on line for this country to expect two whole days to be set aside to honor them. 

We Americans celebrate the birth of our country on the Fourth of July.  More parades and marching bands and, there they are again, men and women in uniform.  All of those people who are offended by the success of America must be driven to near suicide over the fireworks and being forced to listen to the “The Star and Stripes Forever” so many times. 

Considering their feelings should be foremost and we should just do away with all that fuss and bother and flag waving.  According to the anti-American Americans, we are just imperialistic, war-loving, oil-grabbing, aggressive, peaceful-dictator over-throwers who deserved to be attacked on 9/11.  Honoring the birth of such an evil country must be horribly offensive to these peace-loving folks.                        

Labor Day.  Now this is one of the worst.  Can you imagine how badly the unemployed must feel as the rest of us celebrate our jobs?  It must seem as though we working people are just rubbing their noses in the fact that they can’t find work.  We get a day off but for them, it’s just another day.  The fact that the majority of the country is enjoying a long weekend and celebrating by having cook-outs and a final fling at the beach only makes it worse for those not so fortunate.  What an insensitive lot we working stiffs are.  Seriously, we should give up that long weekend and take sensitivity classes. 

Ghosts and goblins run amuck on Halloween.  What kind of holiday is that for a Christian country?  Once again Americans are stuffing candy down children’s throats as a reward for dressing up in some cute costume.   We also teach kids that if they don’t get what they want, it’s okay to do something bad to someone.  What is it with America and giving huge quantities of chocolate to our kids?  I understand witches are offended that they are depicted with warts, huge noses, and lousy teeth, not to mention they are usually evil creatures that eat small children.  The Wickens say they are good witches and little kids are not part of their diets.   Shouldn’t we consider their feelings?   

This brings us to Thanksgiving.  First, white Americans of European decent celebrate the fact that their ancestors stole the land from the Native Americans and then actually thank GOD for all the blessings bestowed on America.  It is right in the name of the holiday.  We give thanks.  We are giving thanks to someone.  If there is the slightest indication that we are giving thanks to GOD, well, that’s just too much.  Combine the evil white European conquest of the land and the slaughter of the Indians with the thanking of GOD and one can see why people are offended by this disgusting holiday.  Really, what were we thinking.  Even the PITA people are offended by this one.  The mass murder of turkeys must cause them physical pain.   

So this brings us back to the most controversial and politically incorrect holiday of all--Christmas.  It shouldn’t matter if all these holidays are a part of our culture and woven into the very fabric of Americana, they have to go.  It is almost 2005 and we must really must grow up and realize that the beliefs of the many must be trampled under the feet of the few.  We must bury this pride in America and become more like Europe.  Isn’t that more important than being proud of America, our uniqueness, and the majority belief in God?  The majority of Americans must accept the wishes of that one or two percent of thin-skinned idiots and willingly give up everything we believe in.  After all, it’s the politically correct thing to do.   That’s the new American way.