The Jews Did It!

 By

Barbara J. Stock

(Note from the author:  The following is satire.  It should not be used as a reference by anyone named Leo, or any Muslim, or in fact, by anyone.)

    Every so often an e-mail message pops up in my mailbox from a man who obviously hates the Jews.  This man sends every conspiracy theory he can find claiming the Jews planned and carried out every terror attack from 9/11 to the recent terrorist attack in London.  In his mind, the Jews are the most diabolical group of humans on the face of the planet.   

    After reading these articles sent by this rather odd man, I decided it was time to do some investigating of my own.  What I found shocked me.   

     It took months of work, but I finally decoded a phrase stamped on a Star of David ring I found in my breakfast cereal.  This ring led me to a cave in the mountains of Colorado that is so secret even we don’t know about it.  Sneaking past the hundreds of heavily armed Israeli Mosad agents, it was not hard to understand why such measures had been taken to protect the secret within.  

     There, on the cave wall, the colors dulled by age, was a cave man drawing.  This drawing clearly depicted a cave man, wearing a yamulka, throwing a blanket infected with the small pox virus on a Tyrannosaurus Rex’s head!  All this time I believed that a massive asteroid strike killed off the dinosaurs.  But no, it was the Jews!  I sneaked back out past the guards who were busy fluffing those very same blankets used to kill off the giant reptiles.  You know the Jews, they don’t waste anything. 

     Stunned by this discovery, I decided to push on and researched other world disasters that have been blamed on something—or someone—else.  My research led me to one of the most famous volcanic eruptions in history, Mount Vesuvius.  In 79 A.D., Vesuvius erupted and destroyed the cities Pompeii and Herculaneum.  But was it a natural eruption?  I think not.  

     As those two ancient cities were unearthed, the bodies of the unfortunate inhabitants were uncovered.  One man had known the truth.  Before his death from the hot ash and toxic gases, this courageous Herculaneum citizen managed to carve a message into the wall:  “The Jews did it!”  Alas, a Jewish archeologist found the long-dead man’s message and he destroyed the detailed account of just how the Jews carried out this act of mass-murder, which had also been hastily scratched into the wall by the dying man.  Now, humanity will never know the truth because Israeli agents injected the archeologist with a memory wiping drug lest he let the secret slip.   

      I wondered what evil Jewish doings I would find next.  It didn’t take long for me to discover that the Jews were experimenting with genetic engineering long before the rest of us even knew genes existed.

      It was called the “Black Death”— the Bubonic Plague.   

     Recently discovered documents, found buried in the bowels of the catacombs under Rome, claim that not one single Jew died from this disease that took a huge portion of known world’s population.  These documents were found clutched in skeletal hand of a man whose epitaph reads only, “The Jews did it.”  Yes, the Jews were experimenting with the various killer diseases of the day and, after vaccinating the Jewish population, let loose this dread disease on the world.  Not only did they start the plague, the Jews made sure it spread by stealing all the cats so the rats that carried the evil Jewish virus would flourish.  The cryptic message ended with this warning to the world:  “Keep your cat in the house.” 

      History documents that the flu pandemic after World War I was spread by the returning troops.  After this Bubonic Plague discovery, no one believes that excuse anymore, do they?   

      More digging into dusty historical files indicated even more dastardly deeds carried out by the Jews. 

      Who caused the extinction of the Passenger Pigeon and the Dodo bird?  The Jews.   

      Who sank the lost continent of Atlantis?  The Jews.   

       The men on the whaling ships who are killing off the endangered whales?  Jews, surgically altered to look like the Japanese.   

      There seems to be no end to the Jewish-induced misery that has been inflicted on the world.  The last found is by no means the least.   

       When the Jews were given their own state, it was 65% desert and despite having to fend off their Arab neighbors from the first minute of their existence, the Jews still managed to carry out their diabolical scheme.  The desert land was converted by irrigation into lush farm land where the tiny country now grows enough food to feed its growing population with some left over to export.  While this all sounds good, what the Jews did, with malice aforethought, was to destroy a section of desert which environmental experts claim may well be leading to global warming!  The delicate balance of nature in the Middle East between sand and rocks has been irreversibly damaged.  Entomologists are also charging that the life cycle of an indigenous desert sand flea has been severely inconvenienced.   

     Citizens of the world, there you have it.  After minutes of research, I discovered that all those conspiracy theories sent to me by this lone voice in the wilderness, warning me of the evilness of the Jews, are just the tip of the iceberg.  

     Speaking of icebergs, I wonder if the Jews sank the Titanic?  I’ll get back to you on that one.